Susan Hwang

CONFESSION:  I didn’t care about your grandmother.  She was old.  She was 85 or something, and she was sick for a long time, and she was a shell of herself––never the same after your grandfather died.  It was a relief to her and to everyone else when she finally let go.  And you told me about it because it was your grandmother, and she loved you and she pressed your forehead when you had chicken pox, and she taught you how to play badminton.

But see, that’s why losing Barbara, who was 87 years old is not at all like losing a grandmother.  And that’s why it makes me so upset.  It is losing a peer.  The last time I spoke with her was mid February when I was preparing for a show.  I needed someone to sing the hit from 1867 made popular by one of the first transmale vaudeville sensations, Ella Wesner, for a tap dance/performance piece by Stephanie Larriere for Bushwick Book Club’s show celebrating Hugh Ryan’s WHEN BROOKYN WAS QUEER at The Bureau of General Services Queer Division. I called Barbara to see if she would sing it.  She said she’d love to do it, but AJ was in town, and she wanted to spend his last night in town with him.   So she went through her entire rolodex of superstar, super talented students from the cabaret, downtown, Joe’s Pub music scene, suggesting those she thought would be good for the piece. She went through the *entire* list.

She’s not someone one would ever consider “at the end of her life” even though she was 87.  She was making art.  She was helping other people with their art.  She was writing.  Her FB posts buoyed many far and wide through these past 2 and a half years, why?  Because she knew how to share what she was going through with other people.  Why?  Because that’s what she did.  She communicated.  She connected.  She supported.  She expressed.  She was herself––thank god––and made herself available to others…. to the world… to beauty… to love.  I think that’s how we’re supposed to live life.

So yeah, it’s upsetting that she’s no longer here.  She was so good at loving.  And she was still active with it.  And right now, I figure, we need more people who are really good at it, who can not only continue to do it, but teach us all how… remind us, be a guide to us.  No one ever gave me a manual for living life.  My parents tried, but a) my Korean sucks and b) I don’t listen.

Barbara not only gave me an example of top notch, doctorate level, ninja master level loving, she helped me find my voice.  My voice.  It’s something I’ve been reaching for since I was in elementary school when I asked Mr. Buras, my 6th grade music teacher, how I could get those high notes.  He had no good answer.  I had to wait like 25 years to meet Barbara who worked with me with patience and without judgement.  With her keen observation and way of connecting to a person with innate knowing, experience in artistry, passion and compassion, she helped me to find my voice.  It’s not the perfect voice (if there is such a thing)––not even by a long shot.  But it’s mine.  It’s one of the few things about myself I’m so very happy to have.  That and I don’t have to shave my legs.  But the skin I was just born with.  The voice I had to find.  I had to listen for and allow.  Barbara gave me the space and the guidance for this to happen.  A voice means a lot as a woman.  And as an Asian woman.  What with ancestral guilt and shame and centuries telling you to be quiet, be accommodating, be polite, be perfect or be invisible.  My imperfect voice is still mine.  And Barbara, as my vocal sensei, taught me how to use it, to know it, to wield it. Remember when she would have you shape the sound into a sword pointing up out of your head?  That was so cool.

This doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s kind of everything.  And I still need her.  Did anyone else notice she would kiss you full on the lips whenever she greeted you at the door?  Is that a 1950’s thing?

I know there’s a war in Ukraine.  I know there was an earthquake in Japan yesterday.  I know that there’s systemic racism and sexism and queerphobia and white supremacy engrained in Christianity in America and all manner of people treating each other horribly.  Domestic violence.  What about that.  Global warming.  Don’t get me started.  But see, that’s all the more reason we need Barbara here now.  I tried to tell the angels that.

She was game.  She was up for something.  She was up for something everyday into her 87th year.  Who does that??  I hope it’s me.  I hope I do that.  I want to be up for something until the day I die––having too much fun to flag down death, so that if it wants me, it’ll have to come and get me.

Also, I didn’t mean to insult your grandmother.  I know she was very special.  I’m in pain, and I don’t always know what to do with emotions.

The next Bushwick Book Club show is for the work of Dame Darcy with an emphasis on Meat Cake Bible perhaps, but really it’s a celebration of all things Darcy, because she is a celebration of what it means to be all you are, whatever you want to be at the same time, when and how you like it. In her case, it means being an artist, musician, performer, animator, filmmaker, illustrator, painter, doll maker, world maker, storyteller, witch, mermaid, pirate.

December 15th, we’ll have our event with 15 different musicians, songwriters, comedians and one chef who will respond to Darcy’s work. Darcy herself will be there and performing with us. It’s the final BBC show of 2021 and also our first fundraiser. We just achieved 501(c)(3) status this year. It’s happening at one of my favorite places that happens to have the best Ukrainian food in the East Village – The Ukrainian National Home at 140 East 2nd Ave. between 9th St. and St. Marks.

Here’s the flyer designed by the stupendous Scott MX Turner. And I’ll also include a video that Darcy made of my performance of “Cutting” written in response to Meat Cake Bible from a few years ago. I’ll be performing the song again live on the 15th. Lusterlit released it on vinyl not too long ago. The single had “Cutting” on one side and Charlie’s rocking “Waxwolf” on the other. I think you can still order the ’45! But also listen to it digitally on Bandcamp.

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Related show

• Artist: Bushwick Book Club
• Date: 12/15/21
• Time: 7:00pm
• Venue: Ukrainian National Home
• City: NEW YORK , NY
• Address: 140 2nd Ave.
• Venue phone: 19177477502
• Country: United States
• Admission: by donation
• Age restrictions: No Minors
• More information
• Notes: It’s the end. It’s the beginning. Perhaps they’re joined at the hip à la Hindrance and Perfidia. Join us December 15th at the historic (and delicious) Ukrainian National Home (New Order played there!) for our final show of 2021 and our first BBC fundraiser. The featured literary work is by the multi-talented, multi-dimensional illustrator, animator, performer, banjo player, mermaid, witch, pirate, author Dame Darcy. She will of course perform, along with songs and performances from: Beth Bliss Charming Disaster Sea Griffin Susan Hwang Serena Jost Sung Uni Lee Dan Machlin Risa Mickenberg Charlie Nieland Henry Tenney Jason Trachtenburg *Short film by Lisa Barnstone* Bring your Dame Darcy books and parafernalia, and get them autographed at the show! Dame Darcy original tarot and books will be on sale to meet your holiday gifting needs. Glad you like book-inspired times. Hope you like vareniki.

Is it boring to talk about the weather? Is it mundane to mention the seasons? I don’t know, sometimes boring is great. Sometimes boring is just what you need, and it takes a lot for me to say that, with my general stance since I was born being that everything should be fun all the time. But I’m thinking now that there’s fun even in boredom. See those threads of fun in the fabric of boredom? What a trick.

It’s been kinda an explosion of extroversion. I was not exactly ready for it, but I think I did okay. Remember that first “party” where it was everybody’s first time in a room with other people, and you were all trying to remember how to socialize? Everyone felt conversationally clumsy. I was all thumbs. My friend Virlana said she was having trouble discerning whether she had just spoken a thought aloud or not. Boy, was it thrilling just to feel that awkward. With people.

Ooo. I’m just realizing that you need people for awkwardness at all. I mean, you can’t feel awkward alone. Can you? So “social awkwardness” is redundant. There might not be such a thing as solitary awkwardness. At least I hope not.

Other thrilling (and somewhat awkward) things in my book:

Released this video for Yara Arts with lyrics from Serhiy Zhadan’s poem “Psalm to Aviation #58.” And thanks “Ukrainian Weekly” for covering the release event in this article by Olena Jennings!

And Lila Eaton, the daughter of my best friend from freshman year at college, was here with her TRUMPET and learned the parts *that day* to perform at the release with me and Marlon! Omg. Trumpet dreams do come true.

Journalist and photographer Bob Krasner also covered Bushwick Book Club‘s first in-person and live streamed event for AM New York. It was a creative feast and a much needed, heartening gathering of artists, musicians and author. I would describe that show for Brandy Schillace’s Mr. Humble & Dr. Butcher as spectacular and deeply satisfying, and Bob’s article really caught the moment and all the layers of meaning in the article and photos.

Okay THEN… Bushwick Book Club presented our first stage at the Porchstomp music festival on Governor’s Island. Here’s some of the documenting I was able to do:

There’s music happening. It’s in multi-dimensional realms with mythical creatures like in the new music video for Charlie’s TIGHTROPE. It’s also right here on the stoop in the East Village with special guest drop-ins like the magnetic irresistible Penny Arcade coming up to sing a few songs.

I’ll include the video clips here, and just so you know, there will be a live stream on January 23rd for 7MPR Dance Company on Facebook. Plus, the first Bushwick Book Club live stream of 2021 is coming February 13th for Kurt Vonnegut’s TIMEQUAKE. There are incredible songwriters chomping at the bit for this! Or rather, they’re chewing their Vonnegut and turning every bite into brand new literary-song GOLD!

On the stoop for Accordion Fridays:

It was great to have Penny Arcade there to do a cover of Marlon Cherry’s “Just How Beautiful (You Are)” with Marlon on percussion. She sang to all of 2nd Avenue… when she performs, she opens all of her heart. I felt like she was extending her love to everyone who passed the whole city of course. It was exciting to have her be our special guest for the live stream.

We’re happy to be participating in this year’s Jeff Buckley Tribute. Charlie and I played with Marlon Cherry with footage by NYC filmmaker and artist, Rick Rodine.

Friday, November 13th, 6pm-9pm
Tickets available at: bit.ly/34jdVK3

Related show

• Artist: Lusterlit
• Date: 11/13/20
• Time: 6:00pm
• Venue: Jeff Buckley Tribute Online
• City: New York
• Address: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/2020-brooklyn-jeff-buckley-tribute-concert-livestream-worldwide-tickets-125696209747
• Country: United States
• Age restrictions: No Minors
• More information
• Notes: Lusterlit (Charlie Nieland and Susan Hwang) with Marlon Cherry on percussion and backing vocals submitted a video piece for this year’s Jeff Buckley Tribute. Footage was shot by NYC filmmaker Rick Rodine. We’re happy to be in such talented company, celebrating Buckley’s life and work. The whole line up is great with over 60 artists from Australia, India, Ireland, Italy, Northern Ireland, Spain, and the UAE, UK, and USA, performing a marathon tribute to 31 of Jeff’s works (plus an encore)! GENERAL ADMISSION ($13): The livestream URL will be posted on concert day on the online event page accessible only after ticket purchase. The concert will begin promptly at 6:00 p.m. EST/11:00 p.m. GMT. CONCERT ADMISSION, PLUS ENTRY TO VIP ROOM & VINYL LOTTERY ($35): This experience includes entry to a Zoom VIP meet and greet with Mary Guibert, who will mingle with ticketholders and answer your submitted questions as time allows (4:30 to 5:30 p.m. EST/9:30 to 10:30 p.m. GMT). Purchase of this ticket will also enter you into a lottery to win a vinyl record from the Jeff Buckley Music archives. Winners will be randomly selected during the VIP hour! Performing: Melody Angel – Chicago, Illinois, USA Nicky Barbato – Port Chester, New York, USA The Barnets – Camarillo, California, USA/Kilkenny, IRELAND Angela Bove – New Paltz, New York, USA BSKi & Friends – ShapeShifter Lab, Brooklyn, NYC, USA Carvel – Brisbane, AUSTRALIA Mary Chin & Jia H. Jung – Boston, Massachusetts, USA Randy Coleman – Los Angeles, California, USA Curtis J – Brooklyn, NYC, USA Ingrid Elkner & Demetri Sampas – Melbourne, AUSTRALIA & Lexington, MA, USA Linda EPO w/ Matt Gilmartin&Seth Faulk – Brooklyn&Queens, NYC, USA FloodWaves – Long Island, NYC, USA Ernesto Hex – Brooklyn, NYC, USA Mike Horn – Long Island, NYC, USA Mischa Igor – Coffs Harbour, AUSTRALIA Jack Jaselli – Nidaba Theatre, Milano, ITALY Matty Jontiff & Friends – Valencia, SPAIN Jupiter – London, UK Mark Lesseraux & Thom Loubet – Long Island & Manhattan, NYC, USA Lusterlit – Brooklyn, NYC, USA Ruth McCavery – Belfast, NORTHERN IRELAND Mishti – Brooklyn, NYC, USA Nimit Nilesh (aka Dorian Days) – Gujarat, INDIA/Dubai, UAE Off Broadway – Lowell, Massachusetts, USA Opaline – Los Angeles, CA, USA Overthought – Pavullo Nel Frignano, ITALY Yuri Padashi – Turin, ITALY Remayn – Herstmonceux Castle, Hailsham & Eastbourne, UK Aaron Shragge & Neel Murgai, Brooklyn Raga Massive White Bonsai – Melbourne, AUSTRALIA Alan Williams/Birdsong at Morning – Lowell, Massac

Here’s the October 9th set with Marlon Cherry and special guest, Ray Brown from my East Village rooftop (also known as Banduristan). We play again October 23rd with special guest, songwriter Phoebe Kreutz!

I’m not always good at updating all this and that everywhere one is supposed to. I’m happy if I can keep my plants and cat watered. I don’t have a green thumb. Not something I inherited from my dad, whose thumb was in fact green.

I’m starting another batch of fermented black garlic this week, and I shot this video with Marlon on the roof today. It was an experiment. I think it worked. We have a live stream set tomorrow, Friday, October 9th at 5pm Eastern at facebook.com/susanhwanglalala . Everyone is in a context. I create mine in part with commitments to present music.

Here’s our last live stream on Sept. 11th which was… really fun.

Hope to see you tomorrow, 5pm Eastern, October 9th at facebook.com/susanhwanglalala.

I do a lot of nothing too. Just swaths, gobs of nothing. And sometimes, even if I am doing something, whatever it is, it is surely not the right thing or enough.

Here is some documentation of things I have done the past few months. I should document the nothing too I suppose. Why not? Oh, I get it now… What I’m presenting here now is the documentation of nothing. Here’s the nothing I’ve been doing.

Interview on Sub Rosa Sound Radio

Host, Ariel Wang, and I had a lot of fun talking about music and songwriting, Bushwick Book Club, creativity, what to wear for zoom meetings…

Fermented Black Garlic

Fermentation is a journey. Here’s the path of Black Garlic timed to the Full Moon in Pisces.

The start

The finish

A clip from a Lusterlit set in Seward Park. Music in front of actual people without a computer!!!

Speaking of PINCLOUDS, here’s a video I put together of Claudi from that afternoon set to music I recorded of theirs in Tompkins Square Park earlier in the month:

Accordion Babes’ Accordion Fridays

Also, here’s my latest live stream from Accordion Babe’s Accordion Fridays performance series. Oh, the joy of accordioning accompanied by the wonderful Marlon Cherry on percussion, backing vocals and kazoo.

Related show

• Artist: Susan Hwang w/ Marlon Cherry for Accordion Babes Accordion Fridays
• Date: 09/11/20
• Time: 4:00pm
• Venue: Facebook.com/susanhwanglalala
• City: New York
• Country: United States
• Age restrictions: No Minors
• Notes: Playing a live streamed set of songs on accordion accompanied by percussionist, Marlon Cherry. Join us at facebook.com/susanhwanglalala or the Accordion Babes FB page! This is part of whole afternoon of performances from Accordion Babes’ international accordion community!

• Artist: Bushwick Book Club
• Date: 09/24/20
• Time: 7:00pm
• Venue: Facebook.com/bushwickbookclub
• City: Brooklyn , NY
• Address: facebook.com/bushwickbookclub
• Country: United States
• Admission: by donation
• Age restrictions: No Minors
• More information
• Notes: DANCERS ON THE SHORE by William Melvin Kelley. This is the first of three live streamed shows in response to “Lost Giant of American Literature” and godfather of “woke” William Melvin Kelley’s book of short stories, DANCERS ON THE SHORE. Kelley’s daughter, artist Jesi Kelley, will be giving a reading and presenting her own art inspired by the book along with performances from 12 artists and musicians from NY, LA, London and Las Vegas. This kick-off event for DANCERS ON THE SHORE will feature performances by BBC Founder, Susan Hwang, spiritchild, Prince Akeem, Charlie Nieland (Lusterlit), Ray Brown, Troy Ogilvie w/ Sean Gannet, Teresa Toro, Sung Uni Lee, Stacy Rock (LA), Timothy Dark (Las Vegas), Amanda Thorpe (London) and Grace Solero (London). Future shows for DANCERS ON THE SHORE will also be live streamed by Bushwick Book Club London and Bushwick Book Club Los Angeles later in the year. Proceeds from the live stream show will be shared with arts education and revolutionary community building organization Urban Art Beat. Founded in Brooklyn in 2009, the Bushwick Book Club meets every month and employs the talents of local songwriters and artists who plumb the depths of a chosen literary gem to create that rare and beautiful thing–a new song (or visual art, dance, film or snack). All songs are then performed at a live show. The Bushwick Book Club now has several branches all over the world, including Malmö (Sweden), London, LA, Seattle, Maplewood (NJ), Greenville (SC) and New Orleans. Listen to The Bushwick Book Club Podcast on iTunes and SoundCloud. About DANCERS ON THE SHORE The first and only short story collection by William Melvin Kelley, author of A Different Drummer, and the source from which he drew inspiration for his subsequent novels. Originally published in 1964, this collection of sixteen stories includes three linked sets of stories about the Carey, Bedlow, and Dunford families. They represent the earliest work of William Melvin Kelley and provided a rich source of stories and characters who were to fill out his later novels. Spanning generations from the Deep South during Reconstruction to New York City in the 1960s, these insightful stories depict African American families—their struggles, their heartbreak, and their love. About the author: William Melvin Kelley was born in New York City in 1937 and attended the Fieldston School and Harvard. The author of four novels and a short story collection, he was a writer in residence at the State University of New York at Geneseo and taught at The New School and Sarah Lawrence College. He was awarded the Anisfield-Wolf Book Award for lifetime achievement and the Dana Reed Prize for creative writing. He died in 2017. In 2014, Kelley was officially credited by the Oxford English Dictionary with coining the political term “woke” in a 1962 New York Times article entitled “If You’re Woke You Dig It.”

It’s been three years since my last post. THREE YEARS.. ha. I’m EXACTLY the same. Actually, I don’t remember who I was, so I have no one to compare myself to except, Christina Aguilera, because she’s the last person I saw (on Netflix – “Burlesque” made in 2010 with Cher and Peter Gallagher and cameo by Alan Cumming who really should have had a much larger role, don’t you think?).

I did the unthinkable. Invited over of a bunch of strangers to my bedroom to play a short accordion set. This is a lot for an introvert.

Here’s the set from last Friday, May 8th. I don’t have any wisdom to share. Man, do I wish I could offer you something like wisdom or perspective, whatever you desire, really. I wish I could offer that to you! I may not be able to give it to you, but I believe you will or are in the process of getting it! So congratulations on that, no matter what that feels like… but I hope it feels good or somewhere very close to good. In the vicinity. Meanwhile, there’s awkwardness and accordions in my room. That I can give you. Lots of love..

Some mornings you can feel more.  Some mornings just talk to you and don’t shut up.  This morning, the air was soft, and it was romantic, looking at the Bushwick rooftops from the elevated train platform.  There was romance.  I’m sure that’s what it was.  I didn’t take a picture.  But I took a picture of the lady’s tote that I saw soon afterwards:

“Dwell in possibility” was the quote.  I loved it.  Dwell in…  yes, if you’re going to dwell in anything, it may as well be in possibility.  I’ve often said that I’m a citizen of doom, because that’s where I was born.  I know all about it.  But who cares where you were born.  If you have a chance to choose where you dwell, you can choose to dwell in possibility.  I thought about Dickinson’s famous solitude.  She chose very consciously where she would dwell.  And what company she would keep.  It sounds like she was pretty unwavering in this.   I thought, “Emily Dickinson was so smart.”  She really had it going on.  She really knew what was what.  Here’s the whole poem:

I dwell in Possibility – (466)
BY EMILY DICKINSON

I dwell in Possibility –

A fairer House than Prose –

More numerous of Windows –

Superior – for Doors –

Of Chambers as the Cedars –

Impregnable of eye –

And for an everlasting Roof

The Gambrels of the Sky –

Of Visitors – the fairest –

For Occupation – This –

The spreading wide my narrow Hands

To gather Paradise –

Dwell…  I like that “well” is in this word.  A deep well of feeling well..  choose deliberately where you dwell.. may as well be possibility.

Then I saw this guy…  I just thought I’d capture him, because he’s someone my mom 

would look at and say, “Does his mom know his hair is like that?”  I’ve always loved a good fro myself.  I can’t help it, I’m pro hair.

And then I saw this guy:

Who I LOVE… I see this Chinese man several times a week.  We tend to get on the same train, the same car.  I think he gets on earlier than me?  Later?  I like seeing him, because he’s my unspoken train friend, and because his face is one that always has an extra happiness in it.  I will try and get a better picture next time.  Some faces have built in tragedy.  My mom’s best friend from Korea is that way.  Mrs. Ma.  She’s a beautiful, beautiful woman.  Always has been.  She has this delicate, fragile femininity and pale, pale skin.  And if you look at the photos, as far back as high school, her face had the tragedy behind it.  Behind her eyes and the vulnerability of her chin, there is this sadness that is blooming.  That sadness in her eyes speaks of big, epic doom, like in Russian novels.  I’ve never actually read a Russian novel.  I want to read The Brothers Karamazov this year though.

This Chinese man..  he is the opposite of Mrs. Ma.  He has built in joy.  Like his joy is so loud, there’s no question in it.  It’s just the frequency his face emits, has always emitted.  Will keep emitting…  People say that Asian faces are not as expressive.. what is the word?  Inscrutable.  I don’t know how true this is.  I mean, there is a thing about showing emotion and about formality.  There are rules, but goodness knows, no one loves tragedy and drama more than Koreans.  Except maybe the Chinese?  I was speaking with a member of the Main Squeeze Orchestra who is Chinese, this awesome woman, Elaine Yau, and she’s learning to play the erhu.  She said the Chinese love tragedy too.  Her teacher wouldn’t teach erhu to her daughter because  the instrument is too sad for children.  You should have already given up on life and the possibility of happiness before you touch it.  So Elaine’s learning it herself.

What was I talking about… faces.  Right.  I think that “inscrutable” business is something white people say because they didn’t grow up in an environment where all the faces were Asian.  You have to go to Seoul, and see only Asian faces everywhere, in the advertisements and on TV.. every type of person will be Asian… there will be nothing that an Asian face can’t be or express or represent.  Then we can see what you say.  People just need to get out of the country more.  That’s all.  We need to have mandatory world traveling as U.S. citizens.  Like some countries have mandatory military service for young people.  We need to have mandatory study abroad.  I’m telling you, it will cure some things.  At the very least, it could improve conversation.

Speaking of Asian faces… what is it about big ear muffs that make it so that people think it’s okay to “ching-chong” me?  I’m serious.  I get consistently more ching-chong noises when I’m wearing these

than when I’m not.  I must be asking for it.  Is that right?  Is there something in the audacity to wear loud head gear that says, “This girl wants you to yell nonsense at her.  She’s begging for it.”   Or does it say, “This girl has no boundaries!  She is aching for contact that transcends language.  Go ahead, just make unintelligible noises at her that poke fun at her race.”  It’s a mystery.  Is it because I look more like a hello kitty with these on?  I become closer in appearance to a large-headed, mute cartoon cat, so of course, I’m a receptacle for all those pent up desires to make another person uncomfortable.   I really don’t understand, but I will continue to study this phenomenon.  Once, I was ching-chonged walking through downtown Brooklyn, and I stopped and asked the guy why he was making those noises at me.  He said, “Oh… I’m sorry.  I just thought you couldn’t speak English.”  Right.  So if I don’t speak English, I am obviously fluent in gibberish.

This is a true story.

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